On Valentine’s Day, Singlehood and Waiting

I thought about the guys I got involved with and what they were going to surprise their wives and current girlfriends with. Then I thought of the guys I met recently and thought what if I did this instead of that, said yes instead of no. Of course, I started questioning myself, What is wrong with me?

Happy Valentine’s Day! My guests had arrived.

I entertained my guests—Envy, Regret, Sadness, Bitterness and Self-Pity—shortly after breakfast last Saturday. I asked them, Why didn’t you bring me chocolates or ice cream or a slice of ridiculously sweet chocolate cake and chocolate milk shake? That would have been more fun. But our stories are far more entertaining, they replied. Wouldn’t it be better if we look back on our times together? On YOUR time together with John, Paul, George and Ringo1?

So instead of finishing the articles I was working on, I Facebooked, sulked, craved for sweets, cried over not being invited to some event and sulked some more until it’s lunchtime. What is so wrong with me? Is it my job? My face? Weight? My “strong” personality? Sometimes I wish I were the girl who gets asked out to a date just by drinking coffee at a coffee shop. Or the girl who can have a boyfriend just by texting with guy for a few weeks or months. I wish suitors come around surely as typhoons do in the Philippines.

I think I have run out of ways to find the potential mate. I have been solo-traveling, joined a Christian singles group, tried being friendly, even gone on speed-dating and attempted online dating. None of it seems to be working. I am beginning to doubt if I really am being prepared for marriage or I am cursed to be single for life.

I don’t know if I am still waiting for someone or there is no one to wait for. Waiting, for answers or boyfriend/fiancé/husband, truly is the hardest.

I am a single (obviously) 30-year-old who never had a boyfriend (just almost-boyfriends and kalandians), orphan and an only child so please don’t judge me if I seem desperate to be in a real relationship. Thank you. 🙂

—–

When God seems silent, trust Him.
(CCF message, 15 February 2015)

—-

1Aliases. I cannot use the guys’ real names.

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