And Then I Couldn’t Sleep

It was 10pm and I woke up to dogs barking in the distance. My computer was still on and as I get up I instinctively clicked my work email tab. There was a new message from one of my bosses.

My work woes started to flood me.

I can’t help but feel envious of the opportunities my colleagues are given. I used to be that geologist. I used to have opportunities to work abroad and was even offered the chance to go to graduate school. And while I am truly happy for my colleagues because most of them are my friends, too, I cannot seem to let go of feeling sorry for myself. It has become my habit, a dangerous one, to blame my anxiety disorder for this, myself even more for not recovering from it quickly.

I lost faith in me. I lost it when I realized my bosses were losing faith in me and seemed to have regretted their decision to put me where I am now. I have been trying to put myself in their shoes, to try to understand and believe that what they are doing are, after all, for my own good. I fail most of the time.

But in spite of the failure I think I have become, I was not one of the twenty-something employees laid off a few months ago. And up to now I am still overwhelmed with utter gratitude and relief whenever I think of how fortunate I am to still be in this company, to still be in an industry that can make you a thriving young professional in six months and a jobless recluse in two.

My lust for traveling fuels me to (try to) work as efficiently and passionately as I used to. It works most of the time but when the traveler’s high dies down, days go back to being a struggle. A struggle to work, to motivate myself to be better, to bring back dedication to what I do.

Discouraged is what I think I am. And quitting is definitely an option. If I quit I can travel and write and travel and maybe marry another backpacker along the way, no more dragging myself to work. But a huge chunk of me still wants to be tied to my chosen profession. I think. Or It could be the comfort zone talking.

May my cry come before you, Lord; give me understanding according to your word. Psalm 119:169 (NIV)

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