An Awful Lot of Change

It was one of those down days yesterday and in spite of the busy, quite cheerful rush downstairs, I resigned myself to the dusty, messy solitude of my room. I wasted the last several hours of 2013 playing Plants vs. Zombies and Jewel Mania in between chapters of Silver Linings Playbook then an induced laugh trip in the afternoon with Ted, the talking, whoring and pot-smoking teddy bear.

I had the most pathetic New Year’s Eve.

Then came Eat Pray Love. No, the Bali love affair between Liz and Felipe did not miraculously overturn my gloomy mood. And, no, I am not planning to embark on a soul-searching journey to Italy or Bali or India. It just made me realize something that I failed or refused to acknowledge last year.

My life is changing. And it’s awful.

I lost my mother in February and I was barely recovering from my anxiety disorder when my grandmother passed on last December 24th. The world was out to get me. For most of 2013, I felt helpless and hopeless. People hated me because I got 10x grumpier and bitchier. Most of my co-workers shied away while some actually treated me as if my mere presence would infect them with negativity and bad vibes.

Still, during those times when almost everyone turned their backs on me, I was surprised to know that there are people who never gave up on me.  I still have friends who, though very few, are sincerely willing to help me put my life back on track, defying distance and time-aparts.

Once again I was reminded of the importance of family and how during these difficult times we can draw strength from each other. They, no matter how dysfunctional or unconventional, constantly assure me I was and will never be alone in grief.

Last night, a good few minutes to midnight, I was out in the streets with my cousins and nieces and nephews. While marveling at the fireworks shows sponsored by our rich neighbors, I felt a gnawing sadness because Mama and Inang were not here to celebrate the holidays with us anymore. I terribly miss them. Moments later my aunt and uncle went out to see the shows, too. I looked at them and saw the same strange sad smiles most of us were wearing that night.

And then it was 2014.


Written last January 1, 2014.


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